Pendejadas y Puterías

Universe, I would like to know, why? Why do you keep taking people from me? I don't ask to hear the answers that I already know. I don't ask for another lecture or a reminder that I need to learn lessons, which I feel I have mastered by the way. I ask you because I really need to know, why?  I know that grief is a continuation of love and that all of us here have a very limited amount of time. Some of us have longer than others, but still, it's finite. So much so that we don’t even know how much of it we have. I also know that grief is a natural thing to feel and experience. I can also hold and recognize how fragile each of us are, our relationships, our connections. But it still doesn't answer, why?  Because even when I allow myself to feel grief, it doesn't bring that person back. Whether they have transitioned from this physical plane, or we have parted ways, grown apart, have become strangers. It doesn’t magically get better. So if you cannot answer my question,...

I was perreando when I heard you passed away Mis caderas did what they knew So naturally I was alone and suddenly more so We hadn’t spoken in months Convinced you were well I let you slip from my field of vision Until you blinded me I had lost her weeks before Blame met me where I thought I’d find understanding It was my fault I mourned in the ways I knew how Clung on to you So that I would not miss her Or him Or them I did not cry for you I never dropped off the flowers at your grave Never answered the texts from friends full of guilt Never told my mama lo que pasó Never got answers only news So when they told me I was what they wanted I believed them Years later I am sitting in front of dead flowers Grief pouring out of me Out of every pore Missing you And her And him And to my embarrassment Especially them Feel it consume me I do not know where it ends and I begin When you left I did what felt right Kissed her  Kissed him Fell in love with them But now they are gone Within my fi...

I was never a huge fan of games. As a kid, I didn't understand why my friends wanted to play them all the time. Wanted to win so badly. Sometimes I would let them. It seemed like it was important to them, so I would intentionally miss or not play the cards I had. Just so the game would end and we could go back to being who we were. I’m a great loser. I take it in stride. Doesn’t bother me, if winning means you’re smiling. And even now, I don’t want to win at our games. I’ve discovered I just want connection. I desire your presence. To see you smile. And if I can be part of it, that’s enough for me. -m.s.

La Virgencita loves putas. I know this because she loves me. I remember visiting her when I was 18. I had officially retired and felt lost. Like I needed something higher than me. I swear I almost caught on fire sitting in the pews. But I stayed long after everyone left. I could not look her in the eyes. My head hung so low and my hands twisted together. Ashamed. Embarrassed. Ready for her to tell me all the things I had already told myself I was. I finally gathered the courage from somewhere deep within and met her gaze. She simply smiled. Kept looking at me with forgiveness that I could not give myself. I still cry when I see her. She tells me to unhang my head. She tells me I am holy. She tells me I am whole and worthy of love. She tells me that she loves me. -m.s.

I’ve been sitting with this for some time Tried to find the ways to tell you That you are mistaken Wrong Te equivocaste When you called me fácil I slept next to you with my head buried in my arms Amused You gave me the name Charapa After la tortuguita that hid her head in her shell She is abundant in the summer months The only time you would come to visit The season made me hotter Prendelo, me decían Mis ojos tan grandes Holding the universe Only saw love in you But you mistook it as an invitation Marked me as something I am not Because there is nothing fácil about me  Nothing simple or easy about the way I move Speak Love Time went on  The seasons changed and I stopped hearing from you I would sit with mi corazón en mis manos By the river With a name that I grew to love As I once loved you -m.s. 

I want to sink into the Earth Offer myself as a gift to Pachamama Feel the seeds start to sprout through my pores My sweat and tears tending to this accidental garden I want to pick the flowers that come from me Set them on my table on a Sunday Place them on my alter Set them on your grave I want to reap what I sow The bountiful harvest that emerges from my heart How it nourishes you The joy that reaches me as I see you full Quiets the hunger The starvation that I devoted years to I want to create life through my breath Express gratitude for the sound the wind makes when Pachamama answers me She tells me to be still To have patience You do not raise a child in frustration You do not build a home in anger You do not flourish in grief I watch her accept my offering Loose change  She treasures me like the priceless gem I am Allows me to sink in her arms until I see again You are there waiting for me -m.s.

Who do you pray to at night? Do you bow to Pachamama in the morning? Thank her for the harvest that is your growth Call your abuelita to receive her bendiciones  “Madrecita, protege a mi bebé, La llamaré María en tu honor” You are all that is holy La Virgencita blessed you, not just by name Created you in her image Grants you breath and a rhythm that matches Yacumama When the river that made you floods, your abuelita scolds tú mamá “Es porque le dejas ser gay” Una yanasita deshonrada How could La Virgencita be wrong? When she sacrificed her heart in a dying son “There is a reason a daughter is more painful” Mamá Edith rests in the valley Her spirit on the mountain María Pero No Santa You are a holy woman Capable of loving and being loved Capable of amor profundo y eterno So why does the river drown you? Why is there silence in your name? It is eternal and holy between your legs Pero más profundo es tu corazón -m.s.